Jim's Journal
by Shidoni8
Summary: After the stress of having his personality split (The Enemy Within), Dr. McCoy suggests that Jim keep a diary where he can write about his private feelings. Gradually it chronicles the Captain's evolving emotions regarding his XO, Spock, as they come out of his subconscious. Slash, K/S.
1. Stardate 1680

This is the personal Journal (not Diary) of James T. Kirk

Captain's Journal

Stardate 1680.25

I had better begin with an explanation. After the incident with my… darker half was resolved and we had beamed Sulu and the others back to the ship, Bones turned to me and asked me, "How do you feel?" I tried, in my reply, to encapsulate everything that had been running through my head at the moment, but I guess that wasn't good enough for him. A CMO has to have some training in psychology, and Bones put it to good use, insisting I come in for a little counseling after Alpha shift. I was surprised when he handed me this little book, though when I think about it, it seems like an idea he would hatch. He wants me to keep a journal (although he referred to it as a "diary," which it certainly is not) in which to talk about personal things. Things which might not belong in a Captain's Log but needed to be expressed in some way lest I bottle it up and suffer some kind of meltdown. Not that I'm likely to melt down, but this is a proven form of stress relief, and I can't see any harm in taking the advice of a good friend and extremely knowledgeable doctor. In any case, there's the explanation, I suppose I ought to talk about my feelings now or something.

It isn't easy, confronting the idea that you aren't quite the person you thought you were. Imagine literally confronting it! I felt so… helpless without my darker nature, and the thought of that makes me, thought I regret having to admit it, scared and a bit ashamed. I keep reminding myself of what Bones said. Something about all humans having their dark sides, and I'm glad to be whole again. I feel… when I consider that point, a little more comfortable with myself and my limits. Perhaps this incident was a blessing in the guise of a curse? And regardless of how I feel now, I wouldn't have been able to get through it without my friends. Without Bones' emotional encouragement and Spock's… support in general. When I was plagued by uncertainty and doubt, Spock was my anchor. His advice, loyalty, strength, and of course logic were of immeasurable value to me recently, and indeed, since I became Captain of the Enterprise.

But before I get too sentimental I ought to finish up this first entry. There is paperwork to be done and sleep to be had.

Farewell for now, Journal,

Jim Kirk


	2. Stardate 1705

Captain's Journal

Stardate 1705.6 (The Naked Time)

All this psychological doubt can't be good for my mental health. If you can believe it, this is almost as bad as what happened about a week ago. For a short time, I had the unnamed virus that killed the men on Sy 2000, and I said what was, apparently, my true opinion on my ship and... love. I blamed her for my lack of a stable relationship and bemoaned my ties to duty. Perhaps this is all true in part, but then I knew when I signed on that a Captain's lot is lonely in many ways. This puzzles me less than my frustration at Spock's reaction to the virus. It's understandable that he was raised in a society which completely suppresses emotion, and that his human half would be ashamed of that, but the present is a different matter entirely! I had been thinking, lately, that Spock and I were doing a fair job of working on his emotional frustration without actively having to do so, but now... he apparently fells _ashamed_ of our friendship. I don't know why this is so frustrating to me, but he shouldn't _have_ to hide his emotions from me. In retrospect, slapping him was probably not the best way to express my feelings, but we were going to die, so hopefully he'll understand and I won't feel the need to apologize throughout chess tonight.

Until next time,

Jim Kirk

* * *

Author's Note: Only one that there will be for this story, because I don't like them. I only wanted to say that to prevent confusion about what's happened in universe related to each journal entry, I'm going to include in parentheses the episode that each entry is "inspired by" or related to or what written shortly after me re-watching while thinking about Kirk's feelings and whether he'd write a journal entry after the experience. However, I just moved across a few states and so I don't have my stardate list. Where I can remember, I'll fill them in, however you can also google stardates from each episode (as each episode has a listed stardate somewhere in it during a captian's log). In any case, thanks for reading and please continue to do so! It gets very interesting soon, I promise. : )

-Shidoni


	3. Stardate 1710

Captain's Journal

Stardate 1710.8 (Balance of Terror)

"I'm alright," she had said. But really, grief takes more time than that. I know if it had been me who lost a fiance, I would have but that's not true. We all have duty, as the Romulan Captain had said. Mine to my ship, crew twenty-four dead. It's only been a day and a half since my last entry but the burden is back in full force. When will the Universe give us all some well-deserved rest? And Spock most of all. He hasn't been showing much emotion since the incident yesterday, and to be repeatedly accused, practically discriminated against by Lt. Stiles. It must have gotten to him, at least a little. But he won't show me, nor anybody else, what he could possibly be feeling. At least we can rest temporarily easy, having diverted another war. At the cost of 24 human, and who knows how many Romulan, lives.

God rest their souls,

James T. Kirk


	4. Stardate 2126

Captain's Journal

Stardate 2126.7 (The Squire of Gothos)

Several Earth-months since my last entry and I must confess during the doldrums, the thought most often occupying my mind is Mr. Spock's emotional progress. He said, not thirty minutes ago, that he should be 'delighted'! Chess and normalcy have been restored.

Yet I wonder, how Trelane knew to point that gun at Spock, when not even I was aware of-

Suffice to say, Journal, that I am happy, albeit in a slightly unfamilar and confusing way.

Jim


	5. Stardate 2712

Captain's Journal

Stardate 2712.9 (What are Little Girls Made Of?)

It has been a time all great starship captains despise... quiet peace, some would say boredom. Today, in a break from the doldrums, we met an android replica of Roger Corby, an old idol of mine and former fiance to Nurse Chapel.

In any case, that's all tucked away in the official Log, so I'll stop repeating myself and get into the juicy stuff. Spock smiled today. I know he'd prefer I pretend I didn't see it, but how can I keep from sharing the news here at least. It gives me immense satisfaction to see him growing steadily more comfortable in his own half-humanity. And it's been so dull around here that any excuse to express concern for a very good friend is a welcome distraction.

Farewell for now,

Jim Kirk


	6. Stardate 2714

Captain's Journal

Stardate 2714.6 (Miri)

I can't quite think of a way I could possibly sedgeway into this, so I'll just come right out and say it.

I admit, I've been flirting with Spock.

When I was younger this kind of thing used to get me introuble all the time. I'd accidentally flirt with so-and-so's girlfriend at the Academy and earn myself a sudden fist-fight. I don't necessarily mean to do this, but from my point of view I('m just being friendly. And perhaps I wouldn't have noticed until much later had we not been on that Earth-like planet, dying from some sort of puberty related disease. Perhaps, if that strange lilt hadn't come into his voice as he'd said he wished to... return to the ship. I couldn't have _ever_ imagined Spock speaking in a 'bedroom voice' until that moment and now... well now I can't really stop imagining it. And that moment is what made me realize that, since we've become friends, I've been flirting with my first officer.

Perhaps I ought to stop?

Haha, it's far too much fun to stop. I'll just have to keep it from interfering with business, which (as Carol would bitingly remark) I am quite good at.

What a week, Journal.

Jim


	7. Stardate 2715

Captain's Journal

Stardate 2715.8 (Dagger of the Mind)

Am I lonely? Am I alone? I believe the answers, for now, are no, and no. I wasn't lonely enough to succumb to the advances of Dr. Noel, who I have no interest in aside from that one lonely, moderately drunk Christmas night. And I am certainly not alone. Not while I have my friends, my crew. Bones, Spock, and everyone else. Maybe I am a tad lonely, but I knew that was part of the deal going into the whole starship captain business. Not able to "fraternize" much below my rank and any civilian would be... well I don't know how anyone could live this long away from the one they loved most.

James Kirk

Author's Note: I just wanted to pop by again and talk a little about my process for writing these. They aren't intended to be polished works of art, they haven't been edited/betaed, or even revised much by me. I have a little black notebook and I've been watching each episode of TOS in stardate order. As I'm watching the episode I try to keep myself in Kirk's mindspace, how I think he's feelling, what he's thinking. I sometimes take little notes as I watch. Then, as soon as the episode is over, I think to myself, would Kirk make a journal entry about these events? And if yes, I write it. I genuinely pretend to be him and writing in his "journal." This is project is for a few reasons: 1) I wanted to do a little character study type thing with Kirk. 2) I wanted to see if I could create a narrative of his feelings toward Spock, as they evolved during the 5 year mission. I didn't intend to post it online, originally, it was just a project for me. But then I felt a little proud of it and thought "well, why not?" and typed up what I have so far. I hope that if you know more background about the project, I won't get any reviews/messages saying that is it's polished enough, or that it is too small or too rough. I am not really looking for criticism, just wanting to share my little project with people who might enjoy it.

Thanks to those who have reviewed, and those who've read and not reviewed. : )


	8. Stardate 2818

Captain's Journal

Stardate 2818.3 (The Conscience of the King)

What could I possibly say to convey the atrocity of what Kodos did? And yet, the man before me was... well Kodos the Executioner would not be a title I'd pick for him. His daughter on the other hand... Bones was partially right. I had had feelings for her when she was a clever and intriguing young woman, ignorant of her father's old crimes... but apparently the socipathic murderer trait runs in the family.

I am emotionally exhausted. Painful memories will do that to a body.

Jim Kirk


	9. Stardate 2822

Captain's Journal

Stardate 2822.9 (The Galileo Seven)

This is to be kept absolutely confidential, Journal, because I'm going to tell you a secret. Earlier, on the bridge, I came the closest I've ever been to crying real, honest to goodness, tears of joy. One second my two best friends in the Universe are probably dead, burned up in the atmosphere or killed by violent natives. The next! Perfectly alright! Had I not had a ship to command I could have jumped for joy. And Spock... what a human thing to do, risking all their fuel like that. Not knowing whether I'd, if anyone would see. But how could I have ever stopped looking, save for my duties and the frustratingly unobjectives Commissioner Ferris. Everything (or nearly so) he said made sense and yet I was so... so close to the pain. How I would be the man I am today without Bones' advice, his persistent (and excellent) medical care and friendship. It's not possible.

But they're safe, so no more dwelling on what-ifs. And besides, I have chess with Spock in a few minutes and I have to think up a few new ways to playfully tease him about his humanity.

Until next time,

Jim

P.s. Playful teasing is not the same as flirting, for the record.


End file.
